The day that I found Twitter was the day I fell in love
It had so many brilliant thoughts that made me say, "Me, too!"
And you had conversations with the people I respect
The best celebrities re-tweeted you

The first time that I saw your site, my jaw dropped to the floor
I thought I was the only one who still liked MST
You're cooler than anyone in my town or in my state
We were online BFFs and everything was great

But then I met you in real life, and now the mystery's gone
And I don't want to have your babies anymore
In real life you are just as lame as everybody else
And we can never get back to how it was before

Your real voice doesn't sound much like your podcast
And it's clear now you calculate your photo angles well
More than that you're awkward, and frankly, you're kind of mean
But through the Internet I couldn't tell

In real life you don't have any new jokes
And when you talk about the 'net, it just seems kinda lame
In real life you spend most of your time looking at your phone
I mean so do I, but at least I feel some shame

Too bad I met you in real life, 'cause now the mystery's gone
And I don't want to have your babies anymore
In real life you are just as lame as everybody else
And we can never get back to how it was before

REAL LIFE disappointed me like raisins in an oatmeal cookie
Like an airplane I thought was a shooting star
Thinking it's a parking spot, but there's a smart car

Too bad I met you in real life, 'cause now the mystery's gone
And I don't want to have your babies anymore
In real life you are just as lame as everybody else
And we can never get back to how it was before